


Of Mental health and Monsters

by Victorydoll



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Alcohol, Bill getting the therapy he deserves, Cheating Audra Denbrough, Divorce, Fluff and Smut, Fuffy Hanbrough sheanigans, Horror, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Middle Aged Men In Love, Monsters, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychology, Serial Killers, This work is part of the labour day collection, therapist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:15:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26258521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Victorydoll/pseuds/Victorydoll
Summary: 4. “Smells of dirt and wet and long-gone vegetables would merge into one unmistakable ineluctable smell, the smell of the monster, the apotheosis of all monsters.”
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris
Kudos: 8
Collections: Labor Day Book Quote Challenge (2020)





	Of Mental health and Monsters

Carnival music, flashing lights and children’s laughter fill the summer air and overload my senses. I can’t quite focus on one particular scene. It was as though I was in a dream or a distant memory. I move forward slowly and as I do the delightful scent of cotton candy and freshly made hot dogs fill my nostrils. This was all to be as expected in this setting and would usually be pleasant. However, I knew better than to be this easily lured. My eyes finally calibrate on a fun house, with a smiling plastic face of a clown. Now here I have two options: I could turn round and run as far away as I can, or I could step inside the ‘fun’ house and find what I am searching for. Curiosity won over cowardice.

I walk and notice a prism of maze mirrors. It was impossible to count just how many there were because the reflections deceived the eye. In it, I of course see my own reflection; where there was nothing out of the ordinary until my eyes scan the face and I see my expression. A cocktail of panic and fear. I didn’t at first understand why I would be pulling such an expression; especially since my body had remained so calm. But as I try to piece the puzzle together that’s when my vision is obscured by that of red balloon, which clears my brain of this confusing fog and I run further into the maze.

As I run, my chest heaving and my brain panicking. I hear ‘Don’t let this happen again! Please let me get there this time’. A maze with so many interchanging paths; yet I know the one to take, like I had taken it every day of my life. What I’m searching for becomes known to me and here I see that boy again. The same one I had tried so hard to save, trapped behind a glass and he’s looking at something that I can’t quite see until I get closer and oh of course. It couldn’t be anything else but that same monster that haunts my nightmares since the day I first laid eyes on IT; with that same menacing grin I’ve had the displeasure to know. I slam my fists to break the glass. If I could just save him once, then maybe…

‘Hey. You coming to bed?’ Mike calls from the doorway to Bill’s office. In his hand was a warm hot chocolate and a freshly made blueberry muffin. Mike recently gotten into baking in his free time and would enjoy treating Bill as he worked. Bill turned in his chair to face his boyfriend and smiled ‘You brought me a snack?’ Bill smiled at Mike as he set it down on the desk. Mike leaned down to kiss him ‘Yea I thought if you wanted to stay down here, you’d need something to keep you going’. ‘He’s so thoughtful’. Bill is still adjusting to his relationship, where he was experiencing love for the first time. Mike is always so supportive of everything Bill does; something the Audra never was.

‘I think I’m gonna give it a rest tonight. I’m getting sleepy’ Bill responded, a yawn accompanying him. He lifted himself up from his office chair and stretched, keeping eye contact with Mike still. ‘Careful, don’t wanna break your back old man’ Mike remarked smirking. Bill wrapped his arms around Mike and kissed him lovingly, keeping their foreheads together. Bill pouted ‘But you can break my back’. Mike chuckled ‘You’re gonna have to come to bed then’ Mike responded, pinching Bill ass as he spoke. Bill followed his lover up the stairs, ready to relax his spiralled tormented mind for the night. Munching on the muffin as he goes and knowing it won’t be the only treat, he’s given tonight.

Once they reached the top of the stairs, Bill turned on his heels and grabbed Mike by his shirt to pull him in for a hungry kiss who immediately reciprocated; pulling Bill in closer. Being intimate with Mike was a vastly different experience to his ex-relationship with Audra. Of course, there was the obvious change in gender but also, he noticed how passionate and tender Mike was. What had always felt forced and awkward with Audra, was sweet and seductive with Mike, leaving him tingling and panting every single time. The two made their way into the master bedroom; pulling off each other’s clothes as they go. This was also something of a new experience for Mike, who whilst in Derry never really ventured into the world of dating; choosing instead to isolate himself to his obsessive work in the Derry Library. But since he and Bill reconnected so blossomed a new romantic spark that gave two middle aged men new territory to explore.

Mike laid Bill’s naked body down on the bed and crawled between his legs. Mike dotted kisses on every inch of Bill’s body and all of the stress of writing and reliving traumatic memories started to melt away under Mike’s touch. Bill closed his eyes, whilst he shut his brain off as he gave in completely to the sensations of Mike’s lips and hands. Mike was always happy to help him de-stress, loving how Bill squirmed and moaned under his touch. On days like this where Bill has been locked up in the office; this is what he needed. Mike leaved little nibbles on Bill’s inner thigh which made Bill gasp. ‘Come here. I want kisses’. Mike looked up at his beautiful boyfriend and smirked, kissing up Bill’s body and landing on his lips. The two lovers moaned into the kiss as it deepens. Allowing themselves to be completely indulgent in pleasure.

The next morning Bill woke up to his phone ringtone. He reached out and grabbed the phone; still half asleep to see the name ‘Ex-wife’ he sighed. It’s safe to say that Audra had been giving him trouble since he returned from Derry. When he came back home, he caught Audra in the act and uncovered an affair that had been going on since before he had even left for Derry. Heartbroken and pissed; he left her that day. This only further lit the flame that had been steadily growing between the two childhood best friends. Bill groaned and answered the call ‘What do you want?’ He sighed. ‘Bill can we talk please. I really want to explain’. Bill rolled his eyes; Audra had been trying to get him to talk to her about things for a while now, but Bill really didn’t want to hear it. ‘There’s nothing to say Audra. It’s over you need to accept that. I’ve moved on. Terry can have you. Just fuck off and don’t contact me again’. Bill hung up the phone.

Bill hovered his finger over the word ‘BLOCK’ and after a few deep breaths he pressed it. Bill really struggled with letting go of things from his past and this was something he was currently tackling with his therapist. Bill was diagnosed with PSTD and anxiety after only a few sessions and was working towards healing and going over the causes of his disorders. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy but that’s why writing the book was so important to him. The concept of writing his past into a book was a suggestion from his therapist, getting past traumas out onto paper has been an effective coping mechanism for him so far. Letting go of his past life with Audra could only benefit him with the process for a healthier mind.

Bill entered the kitchen to see Mike cooking breakfast for them both, he always looked so good in the morning with the sunrays hitting his chocolate skin and making him look like some sort of Greek god. It’s safe to say Bill was a little biased but It always took Bills breath away how a middle-aged man could look like some soo good. Mike looked up and smiled at him as he entered the room, dishevelled and in his underwear. Bill slid his hands through Mikes arms. ‘Morning’. Mike spoke, his voice sounding like warm honey. ‘Morning. I just did something brave’. Bill replied resting his head on Mikes shoulder. ‘Oh, what did you do?’. ‘I told Audra to fuck off and blocked her number’. Mike turned to face his boyfriend and fed him a blueberry that he was holding. ‘Wow Bill, that’s great. I’m so proud of you baby’. Mike pulled Bill into a hug and kissed the top of his head. Bill smiled, as he leaned into his comfort blanket. ‘Yea I really feel like I’m working towards something good’. Bill really believed that, and Mike was so happy to hear it. Seeing someone you love to go through troubles with flashbacks and nightmares was heart-breaking. Mike of course had similar issues but could put his frustration and anger into his creative hobbies. Bill struggled to get through the day, so Mike felt obliged to be his rock.

How do I define the creature of Pennywise the Dancing Clown? First and foremost, I should go for its most common physical form, that of well… the clown. Clowns are an industry of performers that have been around for centuries and are usually portrayed as fun characters; usually in slapstick TV shows or appearing at children’s birthday parties. They aim to make the audience laugh whilst a pie is thrown at their face or as they ride around in cars far too small for them. So how could something of this nature be seen as terrifying? Well for many, the painted smile of the clown and the ghost white make-up makes them cower in fear. The name for this fear is coulrophobia but there are others without this phobia that agree the features of a clown can be seen as unnerving.

But that’s not only what this creature is. Pennywise is said to originate from space, so that would technically make him an alien. Exiled from space to hide in a sewer and feed on the living like that of a vampire. It is capable of shapeshifting into different forms. The last time I laid eyes on the creature it was in the form of a spider, another creature that strikes fear into many people. Arachnophobia being one of the most common phobias. But the face was that of a clown; a twisted mish mash of horrors designed to torment myself and my friends, with the intent of killing us as a way of revenge and animalistic hunger. Only it was pretty unsuccessful at that, as our story follows the most common narrative where the heroes are triumphant.

All of these sub genres of creatures all come under the word ‘Monster’. A very recognized term for things that are abnormal and of course what Pennywise comes under is that of a ‘traditional’ monster. Everything about Pennywise would indicate that it was the case. The way it smiles with sharp-pointed teeth and the unnerving laugh that would give you nightmares and of course the way it smells. It wasn’t something that you notice whilst battling such a creature but afterwards you distinctly remember the smell, like an unwelcome encounter with a stranger and your eyes begin to water. The smell is what you would expect of monster who’s stationed in the sewer: wafts of dirt, wet and something rotten and dying.

But of course, there’s more to a monster than the traditional connotations. Some monsters are more calculated and hidden under a human disguise that makes it difficult to even identify them amongst the masses as monsters. Well, until they fuck something up at least. I mean you only have to look at serial killers to see that method in motion. Many of them are extremely clever and follow similar life patterns: such as harming animals and troubled childhoods with abusive parents. Most develop a profile of who will be their victims; to which they plan their attacks. Myra Hinley and Ian brady going after children and teenagers and Jeffrey Dahmer going after young men. Before being caught, they are out there amongst us and no one suspects a thing until it’s too late. So, when they fuck up and their web of crimes are unearthed that is when these hidden monsters are truly revealed and doesn’t knowing this information just make you feel that more uncomfortable? And does it fill you with terror knowing that some killers remain uncaught?

But then some take those horrific crimes and decide to use it as inspiration for movies, books and TV shows. Monsters such as Ed Gein being the inspiration for several horror movies including psycho and Texas Chainsaw Massacre and some having biographical films of their own such as Aileen Wuornos in the movie Monster. So now I wonder what a hero looks like to a monsters point of view. Do what we categorize as being ‘monsters’ see what they are doing as the right thing and do they have no sense of a moral compass? Well in many human cases of this, a lot of them are aware that what they are doing is frowned upon by many; yet still carry out their twisted desires due to this urge which is too strong to ignore. But what about those who really have no idea that what they are doing is wrong. That they are soo delusional that they truly believe this is what they were born to do and that they are ridding the earth of these ‘corrupted and dangerous’ people and in that case do they believe that they are the heroes?

I find myself back at the carnival again, studying the entrance in great detail. But why back here? I wonder. This is where I witnessed the horrific act on a child that I couldn’t save. Why must I have to keep seeing this over and over again. What I witnessed that night stays with me in my nightmares. Maybe if I could just save him, even if I can only do it in relived memories. Would it make it all stop? Would I be able to go about my day to day business in peace? I don’t know…but I want to try. I need to heal and for that to happen. I need to face this head on. 

This time I’m running straight back into the house of mirrors. I try to keep focused on the path I tread, but what I see is throwing me off my focus. I see faces of those same human serial killers that have marked themselves in my headspace; with that unnerving; drool smile that Pennywise so often possesses. I force myself to look past the distractions and focus on why I’m really here. I hear evil laughter and screaming and the cries of the dead as I run. It’s horrifying, but as I see the silhouette of a child that is all I can focus on. I approach the child, the smell of wet and dirt fill the space around me. The child turns and I see the face of my little brother, smiling at me like he had when I made him that stupid paper boat that started this whole thing.

Pennywise continues to torment me over the death of my brother even so long after the fucking clown has been turned to stone. As I face the innocent face of the dead head on, everything seems to stop and my thoughts whirl around my brain like a tornado destroying everything in its path. I hold hands to my head and screw my eyes shut, as a way of focusing and assessing the situation. Why I’m still here and why I have to analyse this memory before I can move on. But my head is filled with too much information. Words scrambled in odd patterns; refusing to fit together. It all too much and I want it to stop. ‘Bill…Bill why didn’t you come with me Billy? Why did you fake being sick Billy? It’s your fault Billy! IT’S YOUR FAULT!’. 

‘Hey hey. Bill it’s okay’ Mike spoke in a comforting tone, his arms wrapping around Bill as he convulsed violently. ‘NO, NO, NO!’ Bill shouted in distress; not yet adjusting to reality. ‘Hey baby. It’s okay. You’re safe ssh ssh. You’re okay’. Mike pulled him close as Bill shook, tears falling from his eyes. Bill leaned into Mike as the convulsions decreased; recognising that he was in a safe space to be vulnerable. He didn’t feel ashamed crying around Mike. He understood the trauma that Bill had, and he was a solid rock that Bill was grateful to have. Nightmares and flashbacks was common for those with PTSD, but Bill could never get used to having them and knew he never would. He only hoped that he would go a day where he could sleep and exist soundly.

Bill had fallen asleep at his desk halfway through writing and drifted off after the line ‘They are the heroes’. In Bill’s case that title came with the burden of carrying the trauma too and with that he didn’t feel like a hero at all. Mike held him as he calmed down, running his fingers through Bills hair and kissing the top of his head. ‘I hate this Mike’ Bill spoke weakly ‘I hate living like this. I just wish it would all stop. I’m fucking forty-two! I don’t want this hanging over me for the rest of my life’. Mike understood how frustrating it is to be carrying this much each and every day. Mike had his own demons too; the guilt over what happened to his parents and the racism that comes with being in such a fucked-up town as Derry. The killer clown was not the only monster that resides there. He was lucky to have found the losers when he did. Not knowing if he would have survived on his own.

After Bill calmed down, Mike led him into the kitchen and sat him down. ‘Do you want anything love?’ Mike asked, leaning against the counter ‘I’ll have a shot of whiskey’. Mike gave him a glass and the bottle from their mini bar and sat down next to him; figuring he probably wants more than one and he doesn’t blame him. He got a glass for himself too. ‘You gonna bring this up in therapy tomorrow?’ Bill nodded ‘Yea. I’m trying to understand why I’m reliving what happened at the carnival. Each time, I kept seeing that boy and reliving the moment where I couldn’t save him but this time… I saw Georgie’. ‘Do you think that might be a sign of things improving?’. Bill took another shot of whiskey ‘I don’t think so. I know Pennywise used him on me a lot, but I don’t understand how the two are connected maybe Jude can help me figure out why’. Mike nodded.

Bill sat in the therapists waiting room, his hands clasped together waiting to be called in. Bill had been referred D.R Jude Sawyer by a producer; after Bill had struggled going back to work. Bill had mulled it over for a while; believing that seeking help was a sign of being weak; but after a particularly bad day and a heart to heart with Mike. He decided to phone up and make an appointment. He’s been going for just over six months now and he soon learnt that seeking therapy does not make him any less of a man. ‘Mr Denbrough?’ Jude called from her office doorway. Bill looked up and followed his therapist into her office. ‘Hey Bill. Get here okay? Want something to drink?’. Jude always had a way of making Bill feel at home ‘Yea, I got here fine thanks. I’ll have a coffee thank you’. ‘Of course, take a seat, I’ll get it for you’. Bill slung off his bag and got comfortable on the couch.

‘So how have things been since we last spoke?’ Jude sat down across from him. A kind-faced woman in her 50’s, wearing an ironed white blouse and black trousers, her red curls pulled into a messy ponytail. ‘I feel a little frustrated if I’m honest. I keep revisiting this scene over and over again. I’ve been writing up my past experiences in the book like we spoke about and this is something I keep going over. I see the same boy and I run to him but I’m too late to save him. Only last night something changed’. Jude leaned in a little more. Her focus completely on Bill ‘What did you see, instead of the boy?’ Bill looked at the floor for a moment; wondering if he could say his brother’s name out loud without weeping.

‘I saw Ge…Ge…Georgie’. Bill spoke shakily, his stutter making a brief reappearance. ‘Your brother, the one who passed away is that correct?’ Bill nodded taking a few breaths to steady himself. ‘Yea. I saw him this time. I’m confused. I can’t see how the two are connected. Maybe if I can figure out why I can finally move on’. Jude thought over the information for a moment. ‘You say you see a boy usually and this boy gets eaten by a clown. Correct?’ Bill nodded as a flash of that moment played out in his mind and he flinched. ‘Yea that’s right. He was just staring at me and he was smiling. Like the day I made the boat for him’. Bill spoke as if he was trying to hold in the tears, the memory still affecting him greatly. ‘That day was when he died, am I correct?’. Bill nodded again.

Jude always had the most soothing voice when she spoke; always good at putting her clients at ease. Bill supposed that’s why she was so well reviewed. ‘Okay. Well I think I may have a theory, based on what you’ve told me. Would you like me to talk it through with you?’, Bill made eye contact with her. His eyes pleading, if she had an answer for him Bill was more than happy to hear it. ‘Well, what I think might be going on is that maybe your subconscious is connecting the two boys because you feel a deep sense of guilt over both of their tragic deaths. You mention you are revisiting this carnival over and over again. Your running in this hall of mirrors but your just out of reach of saving the boy and you repeatedly witness his death. It is similar to how you feel about the death of you brother, because you weren’t there to go out with him and you blame yourself for that’. 

At this point Bill lost all composure and burst into tears. Jude offered him a tissue and Bill gratefully took it. ‘It’s okay take all the time you need’. Jude gave him a sweet smile. Bill was so overwhelmed with emotions. He wondered why something so obvious slipped his mind, but his brain had been so foggy when it came to this specific memory, like a puzzle with all the pieces jammed together even though they didn’t fit. But it makes so much sense. Of course, he felt guilt over the death of the two boys. He blamed himself to this day for what happened to them. His guilt over the death of Georgie is why he went after the boy in the first place, the death of the boy filled him with even more guilt. 

‘How are you feeling?’ Jude asked cautiously. Bill worked to steady his breath and see Jude through the tear drops dripping from his eyelashes. ‘I feel so stupid’. Bill managed to say, voicing his inner concerns. ‘What makes you say that?’. Bill leant back and spoke with frustration ‘I should have been able to see the connection between them both. I’ve been having the same experience for months and I haven’t been able to place why. I want to write my memory of the carnival for my book, but I’ve been stuck in this rut of not understanding. But this makes it so clear’. Bill brushed away the tears from his eyes and thanked Jude. After every session with her, he always felt a lot lighter.

He met up with Mike at the library, bringing him lunch from their favourite bakery. Mike was at the reception; his glasses hanging of his nose as he read. He looked so gorgeous in his green button up and black trousers. Truly takes your breath away. ‘Hey sexy got a delicious meal’ Bill winked, leaning against the desk, holding the bag in the air. Mike looked over his glasses and smirked at him ‘Am I supposed to be looking at the bag or you?’. Bill leaned in closer to Mike and ran a hand up Mikes arm ‘You look hot in those glasses. Is this book available to check out?’. Bill winked; Mike decided to play along ‘Actually this book is taken’. leaning even closer too Bill so their lips almost touched. ‘Oh, such a shame I wanted to take it out so badly’. ‘Hmm you’ll be my first to contact when it becomes available’. ‘How about now?’ Mike pressed his lips to Bills firmly ‘Now will do just fine’. 

Mike grabbed his coat and followed his boyfriend outside; their hands linking as soon as they could. Mike had gotten the job in the library not to long after settling in Florida. His previous experience working at one made him very desirable to library employers. He managed to work his way up very quickly and was soon appointed a manager position. Mike really enjoyed the atmosphere of the place. In Derry, he found himself so obsessed over delving into Derry’s history and contacting the native American tribe that claimed to have successfully killed IT, that he never had much time to appreciate casually reading books for the sake of leisure but here he found himself reading during all of his free time at the library. He had also incorporated his love for reading into his other hobbies such as baking and gardening. For a middle-aged man, who had be through so much, enjoying a quieter life and being able to do that in his dream location made him overwhelmingly content. 

He walked with Bill to a local park; when Bill wasn’t busy trapped in his office, they would usually take Mike’s lunch break to sit at a bench overlooking a small duck pond and eat together. Most of the time they would casually talk about their day and have a longer conversation if anything major had happened. But usually they would just sit in comfortable silence, not feeling the need to fill it with unneeded conversation. It was a breezy day but otherwise dry and they sat together and began eating. The watched as the swans and ducks go about their business, zoning in on two swans, who were lovingly cleaning each other. Mike smiled at that and stopped to take a picture for artistic inspiration later and Bill intertwined his hand with Mike’s. ‘So how did the session go?’ Mike asked taking a bite of his sandwich. Bill didn’t answer immediately gearing himself up to talk about it. Mike was patient enough, continuing to eat in silence. 

‘I really struggled to talk about it, like it was traumatic for me to think about what happened. Jude was really welcoming, as she always is. I eventually told her about seeing Georgie and she brought up a theory that makes a lot of sense’. Mike raised his eyebrows and continued to listen. ‘She brought why I’m connecting the two in my head. She told me it’s because I feel guilty over both of their deaths. I tried to save that boy at the carnival and couldn’t, because of the guilt over Georgie. It makes so much sense Mike! I don’t know why I didn’t see it. This memory has been bothering me for months. It like when I think about it, my mind goes blank and I can’t process my thoughts properly’. Mike wrapped an arm about Bill and pulled him close, sensing his distress. Bill leaned into him, ‘Jude is a miracle worker. I feel so much better after this’. Bill smiled slightly as Mike kissed the top of his head. ‘I’m happy for you baby. I saw you glowing when you came in. I know things are far from over, but every success is worth celebrating’. Bill perked up and looked into Mike’s chocolate brown eyes ‘What kind of celebration?’.

Later that day Mike returned back to the home. ‘Honey, where are you?’ Mike called out; though he had a good idea where he was. ‘I’m in here’ Bill responded from his office. Mike entered the doorway to see Bill completely focused on his computer screen, typing with veracious speed. Mike folded his arms. Of course, as soon as he could, he would write about the carnival, but Mike knew he was supposed to be celebrating. ‘Excuse me sir, I believe that someone is supposed to be relaxing’. Mike spoke seductively; knowing he would have to try and coax Bill out of his mind palace. ‘Hmm yea.’ Bill spoke casually not even registering what Mike had said. Mike shook his head deciding he would need to step up his game if he was going to pull Bill away from his work.

Mike approached Bill’s desk and placed his hands-on Bills shoulders; deciding to give him a slow massage, feeling the tension melt away under his hands. He leaned in close to his ear ‘Sweetheart. If you come into the kitchen, I can help you relax. I brought some food from that Chinese place you like and a bottle of champagne. I thought we could celebrate properly. Maybe later, I can fuck you into the mattress. You need time away from the office’. Mike spoke seductively, playfully nibbling his ear and running a hand down Bill’s chest and over his crotch. Well, Bill was very easily distracted by Mike, stopping his writing and leaning back in his chair. Bill felt like a horny teenager and Mike had a high sex appeal that turned him into a mess. Bill gasped as Mike brushed over his cock ‘Okay, fuck Mike. I’ll never understand why you have such a massive effect on me’ Mike smirked and kissed his cheek ‘It’s because you love me baby. Plus, I think you have a kink for sexy librarians’. Bill blushed and giggled ‘Only one sexy librarian’ Bill flirted back, allowing himself to be pulled out of his office. 

But Mike had one more surprise for his boyfriend tonight. He had been planning this for few a month’s now and decided to use this as an excuse to really make it really memorable. Mike had been searching for engagement rings; he really took his time to measure up different options and find the perfect ring for his wonderful partner. A few days ago, he found the perfect one. A silver ring that glistened when the light reflected off it. It was simple but also beautiful. Mike requested that the ring was engraved with their initials and the word ‘Soulmates’. He had been pretty good at making sure Bill didn’t catch on and today he collected the ring on his way back home. He knew that neither of them would want one of those cheesy public proposals. Both of them were introverted and worked in quiet spaces. So, doing it privately would be soo much more romantic for them. He sat Bill down at the dinner table and began dishing up the food. Bill noticed the lovely display of flowers on the middle of the table, though with Mike’s gardening hobby Bill didn’t question the presence much. 

Mike poured him a glass of champagne and Bill’s eyes wondered over Mike’s body. He just couldn’t help himself around Mike. ‘Here you go honey’ Mike gave Bill his food and leaned down to kiss him. Bill pinched Mike’s ass and he walked away. They sat down opposite each other and began eating. Mike was fighting to keep a smirk of his face as he watched Bill eat. He was so excited for Bill to see the ring he picked for him. They spoke in spots but mainly kept in the comfortable silence that the couple was accustomed too. Mike cleared away the plates and grabbed dessert. He’d stopped by their same favourite bakery and here hatched his proposal plan. He picked out some cupcakes and asked the employee to hide the ring in a small plastic seal. ‘I hope you’re hungry for dessert’ Mike called. Bill’s eyes wandered to Mike’s ass ‘I’m always hungry for…oh you mean the cupcakes’. Mike chuckled in response ‘Eat up’.

Bill does what he usually does with cupcakes and began to pull it apart. As soon as Bill locks eyes with the ring; Mike moved to get on his knee in front of him ‘Oh, there’s something in this’. Bill opened the packaging and looked at the ring and then at Mike, it suddenly clicked in his head and Bill gasped. ‘Bill, I know we’ve only been together for just over a year now but it’s safe to say we’ve been through hell together and came out of it stronger. Somehow through all the bullshit we’ve found love and support in each other and whilst there are days where things are still hard. I can honestly say that the happiest I’ve been, is during the days I’ve spent with you. I know for certain I want to spend the rest of my life by your side. So, will you make this old man very happy and marry me?’ Bill was in tears from the moment he saw the ring to hearing Mike’s beautiful words of affirmations. Bill pulled Mike into a passionate kiss, wrapping his arms around Mike ‘Yes, fuck Mike! yes’. Mike pulled away briefly to pick up the ring and place it on Bill’s finger. 

The two looked at each other for a moment then Mike’s lips were on Bill’s tasting his lips and shallowly panting into each other’s mouth. Mike lifted Bill up onto the counter slotting himself between Bill’s legs. Bill’s mind went blank as he focused on the movements of his new fiancée, wrapping his legs around Mike. The kiss was hot and passionate ‘Take me to bed’ Bill ordered his voice low and husky hands running over Mike’s ass. Mike picked Bill up, which only made Bill even more flustered at the strength Mike possessed for his age. Clothes were quickly tugged off each other and Bill pushed Mike down onto the bed ‘Hey! I thought I was supposed to be helping you to relax’. Mike spoke breathily. Bill smirked and bit Mikes lip ‘You’ve done enough. I want to ride you show you how much I appreciate all you do for me. Also, I’ve been thinking about riding you’re cock since I met you at the library earlier’. Mike sat back smiling, running his hands up and down Bill’s sides.

Bill kissed Mike, conveying all the gratitude that he had for him. They were wrapped up in each other’s lips for a while and Bill didn’t realise that he’d started crying until he tastes his own salty tears on Mikes lips. Bill pulled away for a moment to wipe at his eyes ‘Shit sorry’. Mikes kissed Bills hand sweetly. ‘Never apologise angel. Cry if you need to. You’re okay, you’re safe with me. You always are’. Bill tried to calm down, but he couldn’t stop the stream of tears coming from his eyes. He was so overwhelmed with emotions, but Mike was looking at him so softly. He was so patient with him. Mike stroked Bill’s sides gently as he cried it out. ‘We can stop if you want to honey’. Bill shook his head ‘No, I’m okay’. 

Bill rooted through the side drawer and pulled out lube and a blindfold. He gave the blindfold to Mike ‘Put this on me when I bottom out, I really want to feel every single thrust’. Mike moaned at that and nodded in agreement. Now calmer, he leaned down and kissed at Mike’s neck; the touches were gentle, but Mike was still affected gasping and lightly scratching down Bill’s back. Mikes hand moved further down to cup and Bill’s ass. Bill poured the lube onto his hand and stretched himself keeping eye contact with Mike. Their hands interlocked and their eyes never left each other once Bill was settled on Mike’s cock he leaned up and placed the blindfold over Bill’s eyes. The two were in a trance completely locked on their movements, every rock of the hips was electric amplified even more for Bill who felt Mike’s cock stretching him deliciously and throwing his head back as he moaned. 

By the morning, Bill felt like a weight had been lifted. After the mind-blowing sex, the night before he was ready to finish off the chapter, he’d started the night before. He had a plan already written before Mike graced him with his presence so he knew he would be able to get back into it quickly. He sat down for breakfast with Mike then retreated to his office once Mike left to go to work. He sat his coffee down beside him and put on some background music; deciding that he would sit in his pyjamas and robe today. He took Mike’s advice to take it easy and since he had no professional work calls, he wanted to make the most of it. Once Bill pulled up the word document reality faded away. 

I’m once again faced with these series of events but this time it skipped to the moment; I lay my eyes on the boy…this time boys. Both the cause of my immense guilt and trauma. The innocence of their youthful smiles contrasting their inevitable gruesome deaths. I look at this situation with a lighter mind. All they are, are memories and ghosts. My mind is able to think clearly enough to take in more of the surroundings and I lock eyes with the clown. Bright yellow eyes of a cat and spike-toothed smile and its claws wrap around the children as if it were posing for a picture. ‘This isn’t my fault’. I say sternly. ‘You will not make what you did my fault! I am sick of living with this guilt. There death is on you and your death is on me, but I don’t feel guilty about that. All the pain you caused me and my friends. All those missing kids. All those times where I would have nightmares and I feared of all of the things you could do. So, when I squeeze your heart into dust. I feel no guilt. A monster with no remorse does not deserve my mercy’. 

I realise that talking to a dead monster in a memory won’t get me the kind of satisfaction as if I were to do it in real time, but It feels empowering to do so. To face a past fear and tell it that you don’t have control anymore. Like using a punching bag or screaming from the top of a mountain. Once I said my peace the images of the clown and the boys fade and are replaced by a calming light. The light is shown to me every time I successfully conquer a traumatic memory. It’s a calming light and It means I am able to move on and after just over a month going over the events. it feels cathartic to be able to write this all down for you. The reader. 

‘So, we have to tell you all something’. Bill spoke smiling as he shared a knowing glance with his husband-to-be. Their friends waiting in anticipation through their webcams. ‘It’s not about your sex life is it? because I love you Big Bill, but I think we could do without knowing how often you get dicked down’. Richie joked, which got him elbowed in the gut by Eddie ‘Ignore him. What is it?’ Eddie spoke excitedly. ‘Yea tell us already’. Beverly chimed in. Bill lifted his hand so they could see the silver ring in all its glory. ‘Mike proposed!’. What followed was a chorus of congratulations and a few light-hearted digs from Richie. They arranged to all meet up at a restaurant for a catch up and further talk about wedding plans though they avoided going to a Chinese place this time. Beverly had already took on the role of designing their suits and Ben working on the wedding reception, Stan was appointed best man knowing; that he was the best at keeping everything organised. Patty was over the moon and immediately went looking for a nice hat. Richie and Eddie were just happy to be there.

A few weeks later, The Losers were once again reunited with each other with the welcome addition of Patty. Four sets of couples sitting at one table and that wasn’t the only difference. The setting was different for a start, a nice little diner in Florida. This time there was no amnesia fogging their memories, and singles were now couples. Sparking old flames and creating new ones to which now they sit, happily in love and the biggest one of all; there was no demon clown monster that they had to fight. The atmosphere was comforting like stepping into a blanket after a long day in the rain. 

‘So, when are you two gonna marry trashmouth?’ Bill asked. Richie and Eddie being the only couple at the table to not be married. ‘Sorry I gotta divorce Eddie’s mum first’. Eddie threw a tomato and Richie’s head ‘Fuck you asshole’ Eddie replied. The losers laughed; even though the pair had finally got their shit together; the two we still arguing like old times *cough cough* flirting. ‘I don’t know in all honesty. We’ve got years of repressed shit to get out but maybe one day when the timing is right, or if Richie’s feeling spontaneous’. Eddie side eyed his boyfriend and Richie chuckled. Richie slung an arm around Eddie and kissed his cheek. 

Patty and Stan had finally conceived a baby after years of trying ‘When’s the baby due Patty?’ Beverly asked. ‘In two weeks. I’m just about ready to burst. I can’t wait to finally hold the baby in my arms’. ‘I bet you can’t wait to take the little one out bird watching huh stan?’ Mike asked smiling. Stan nodded ‘We’ll I can’t think of a better way to bond with them and it means my baby love can get some rest?’. ‘Do you know the gender yet?’ Ben asked. The couple shook their head ‘We’re waiting on when it arrives. We want it to be a surprise’.

Beverly leaned into Ben and smiled ‘I can’t wait to have one of our own’ Beverly said dreamily. Ben smiled and kissed her hand ‘Me too. I hope they have your hair’. Ben gushed at his wife. Beverly smiled ‘Well I hope they have your heart and your eyes. But yea, I can’t wait to have a baby I think all this baby talk has me broody. Its giving me and idea for a collection of baby clothes’. ‘Let me know if you need any baby models’ Patty suggested smiling. This made Beverly’s eye go wide; as the ideas swirled through her brain ‘That’s a great idea Patty! Give me a message later and we can talk’.

Looking at all his friends planning weddings, in loving relationships and talking about having babies made Bill realise how truly grateful they all are to be able to make these plans to begin with. It made him realise how much they had all gone through. How they had defied the odds twice and came out so much stronger. Bill knew that he wouldn’t have been able to go up against the monster on his own and the reason why they defeated Pennywise is because all of them were working together to do so. It made him feel confident enough to talk about his own healing process. ‘So, I’ve been going to therapy’ Bill said. ‘How has that been?’ Ben asked him. ‘It’s been going well; the therapist has been really helpful going over everything and helping me to come to terms with my past. She obviously thinks that the clown I talk about is some sort of human serial killer. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I fought an alien sewer clown’. The group laughed. It was a dark joke, but they’d been through hell so could make light of it. I’m also writing up a book about it all too. I spent a month going over what happened during the carnival and she opened my mind to possibilities that I hadn’t even thought off. Sometimes it’s hard and I have days where I struggle to get up in the morning but I’m so grateful that I have you guys around me’. Bill looked up at the group battling the tears that were already starting to form in his eyes.

The losers listened. This was a really brave thing that Bill had decided to do. Mike wrapped his arm around Bill shoulders, and this gave some of the other losers the courage to talk about their own mental health and therapy stories. All of the losers were struggling, and it was comforting to all of them that they can lean on each other for support. They’d been through so much and for Bill getting therapy; seeing that all of his friends were alive and well and planning his own wedding wasn’t as future he thought he would ever have, and he was so grateful for it. ‘Yea I’m gonna be okay’.

The opposing forces of good and bad are used to convey the hero’s and the villains in a story, so that the audience knows who to root for. But in reality, it’s not that black and white. So did exist the foul-smelling demon clown from out of space that caused so much pain and trauma. Yet, that same clown was exiled from its home and forced to live in the sewer; where it had to feed to survive just like how we slaughter animals for meat. Humans are equally capable of being monsters as any other traditional monster. People aren’t inherently good or bad. We try our best to do good and help build each other up. but that isn’t always possible. We can hurt others or let people down. Some may even hurt, torture and kill those of their own kind.

So, I ask you are we all Monsters?


End file.
